Well, fuck.

A lot has happened!

I’m almost finished my postgraduate qualification, I’ve broken up with my boyfriend, and I’ve gone insane.

I’m surrounded, day in and day out, by people who insist that being emotional and unstable is one of the worst things a person can be. I agree, if you’re talking about being mad in the workplace. Damn right! That shit should be kept in line.

However, I would like to publicly state on this God Damn blog: I AM NOT OKAY.

I suffer from crippling anxiety, low self esteem and a host of other weird OCD, bipolar and borderline tendencies. I’m pretty open about in conversation, but the problem is that unless I’m around family or close friends, I remain very calm and good-natured and sensible. This means that people don’t believe me when I warn them that I’m essentially… an unhinged mad-woman. Tough luck, motherfuckers.

What triggered my metamorphosis into the fucking Joker?

1. The Break-up.
I decided that things weren’t working out with my boyfriend of four years, and I broke-up with him. It seemed like a clear-cut decision at the time: Our interactions were routine, we were terse with one another and argued a lot, the sex wasn’t good, and we just didn’t get along much in general. Now of course (duh!) I’m plagued by guilt, and I’m so lonely that I just feel like jamming my face into a pillow and screaming until I can’t any more.

I miss having someone there. I miss having someone to hug me, or someone who I could just relax around and talk to if I wanted. I know that that isn’t what a relationship should be based on, but it appears as if that companionship really provided me with a lifeline that I wasn’t aware of until it was gone.

While I know that our romantic relationship wasn’t succeeding, I really miss my Ex as a friend! He was funny, kind and expressive. I hate what I’ve done to him, and I hate myself for it. I really, really hate myself for it.

2. Loneliness.
Thanks to point number one, I’ve lost the main source of company and reassurance in my life. It’s been there for almost half a decade, and I hadn’t anticipated how shit it would be to have to go without it. This isn’t your everyday gloomy want for company. It’s that endless, crushing feeling you get when you know that there is absolutely no-one in your life. I have my two best friends, but (as I’ve mentioned before) they have their own issues to deal with, and can only provide so much support or attention before they themselves start feeling crazy. Other than them, I have no close family members (not even ones that I could try and be close to). No role models, no psychologist, no nothing.
I am so, so lonely.

3. Problems that were there before.
Anxiety and low self esteem have evolved under the influence of an overly competitive University environment, and I’ve now become paranoia. I can’t go one day without becoming obsessed with whether or not people think I’m stupid, or mean, or hideous. I feel like a shell of a person, because I have so little energy to spend on just being myself. I’m not even entirely sure what “myself” is!! I’m constantly flitting between extremes like “I’m smart” and “I’m a fucking idiot!”, or, “I’m nice!” and “I’m a horrible, horrible person who will never be loved by anyone!”. Etc.

My mother is still being my mother, and the usual coping mechanisms I employ when she’s at her worst have gone flying out of the window for the time being. This results in at least one fight a day, hooray!

My eating habits have completely gone to seed. During the week, I eat the equivalent of one or two pickles a day, plus the usual egg for breakfast. It means I’ve lost a lot of weight (hoo-fucking-rah), but it isn’t in a good way. I’m shaky and tired, and can barely focus on anything.

Dead-dad syndrome! Probably thanks to my inability to process my father’s death like a normal human being, for the past month I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. It’s as if I have PTSD! The unavoidable recurring memories are the worst.

4. Hello, depression! :D
The above three things have resulted in me sinking into a lovely state of depression, with a side of nut-job.

 

 

 

…I don’t know what to do.

 

 

 

 

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Teachings from an Internshit.

My internship was both terrifying and great.

Here are the things I learnt over the entire process:

– I can talk to someone over the phone like a pro. Professionalism might as well be my first name. In person, however, I need to work on my nerves and “awkward” factor.

– If someone hands me a task, I can complete it on my own, and receive good feedback! I was very much anticipating having my projects ripped to shreds by my disbelieving and enraged employers, but no! Then again, my work was only of moderate difficulty. Which begs the questions: Is all entry-level work this easy? Or, am I just capable? Or, do employers immediately assess me as incompetent and only saddle me with simple tasks?
I could think in circles forever.

– I can blow-dry my own hair! (Have I mentioned this before? I’m not sure. But knowing that I’ve acquired this skill makes me really excited.)

– Scientific-writing rules are NOT followed in any way, in business. This makes me uncomfortable, because ambiguity is EVERYWHERE. Not to mention grammar and spelling errors…. Oh Lordy. It hurts.

– Working with men > Working with women. Don’t ask me why, it’s just personal preference.

– It is important to keep in mind that everything you say, in conversation or in writing, will speedily become public knowledge. So… don’t gossip, don’t whine or complain, and don’t snoop. I didn’t do any of those things, but I certainly noticed what happened when other people did.

– Wear high heels no more than three days a week. Your mangled stubs will thank you for it.

– I really have to learn how to eat and drink gracefully. A giant beetroot stain hovering over one of your boobs isn’t the most enjoyable conversation starter.

– An important factor when you are about to become a new employee, is that people appreciate the ability to be on time, prioritize, and produce results while remaining independent.

The most important thing that I learned was that there are good people out there, in the big wide world, willing to guide you and help you learn. Every single person I met during my period as an intern taught me at least one valuable life-lesson, and I sincerely hope that I don’t forget them.

And that’s a wrap!
On to my next adventure: I will be back at varsity for the fourth quarter, riding my butt off, and beginning the rather dire quest to secure a job for 2013. Tally ho!

The Second Chumming.

Hello, neglected blog! The loon who created you has returned!

I’ve been off doing grown-up things, and it seems that in order for me to have enough time to keep my living space sanitary and my dog alive, I’ve had to abandon my internet-diary.

“Grown-up things” largely consisted of completing a two-month long internship (at a well-known mining company), which now that I think about it was a child-friendly, limited version of a real job. But I got paid! Dollar bills all round.

Over the next week and a half I really hope that I can resurrect this rotting page, and carry on telling no-one about the things that bother/interest me.

For now, here is the first halfway decent photo of me doing a jump at riding:

Please ignore the glaring errors that I am making in this photo, and focus more on the fact that I am not drooling, screaming or falling off sideways.

kdkytdud8o6dyhj. ??

Things that I’ve forgotten in the first three weeks of my internship:

1. That I have a blog (um)

2. That laundry needs to be put away, not ruffled through in times of need

3. That “three hurried mouthfuls of weird cafeteria food” does not constitute a balanced meal

4. The blessing of having healthy, comfortable toes that haven’t been crammed into a pair of heels for 8 hours a day

5. The other things I wanted to put on this list.

 

Seriously. This month has been a killer.

Two things have made it slightly harder to bear than it should have been:

1. My boyfriend is in Europe until the end of July. I haven’t been single in 4 years, so not being able to get a hug or a kiss (or… other things) has been tough this month. I don’t really hug other people, so I’m dying for a good cuddle (is that a thing? Do other people crave cuddles? It sounds a little bit arrested-development-ey)
I also just miss having the guy around to talk to, to make dinner with, to have arguments about what dvd to rent with… etc. Sigh. Twelve more days!!
(On the bright side, I did notice that when I visit a bar with no boyfriend at my side, I still get plenty of offers for free drinks! So, that cheered me up for a while.)

2. Best friend is still insane. This has been going on for so long, I even feel a bit strange calling her my best friend (Phew! That sounds dramatic). Her twin sister also happens to be my best friend, and both of us have been put at arm’s length by her, while she works 14 hour days (doing her own internship), desperately trying to please her bosses, her collegues, her Facebook friends… Basically everyone except those truly close to her.

Her sister gave me some advice today, and I’m going to take it: As much we love her and want her to overcome her mental obstacles in order to live a healthy, happy life… We can’t overlook our own needs. I don’t want to end up being a bitter, angry friend because I’ve wasted my energy trying to fix someone else’s life.

 

Overall, I’m loving working in the real world. I was scared witless to begin with, but now there’s a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I might be able to make it after all.

 

 

Iguana!

 

 

 

 

First day on the job.

I got my photo taken!

I sighed when my photo turned out weird.

I shook a lot of hands.

I barely ate a thing.

I read and summarised papers for five hours.

I was nervous.

I didn’t get lost!

I spent a little while being extremely bored.

I spun in a circle on my wheel’y office chair.

I felt like a complete novice.

I asked a lot of questions.

I met My Boss, and felt afraid.

I made tea in the office kitchen.

I sat in a cubicle.

I thought about spending the next two months in a cubicle.

I was told exactly how much work is expected of me (so, so much).

I checked Facebook.

I went home 30 minutes early.

Up n Down.

Life’s up n down at the moment.

Up because I’ve returned from an awesome holiday at the Kruger National Park and because I graduated last Wednesday (my university holds their graduation ceremonies about six months after the degree has been completed…sigh).

Down because my boyfriend left today, to spend a month in Europe (I’m feeling a little lonesome and sorry for myself….gimme a break!), and because my two month-long internship starts on Monday – I am SO nervous.
Do I have the right clothes? Are they business’ey enough? Is writing on a plain note-pad too student’ey? What do adults use to take notes? What if I don’t understand something, and they think I’m an idiot? This stuff isn’t rocket science, but if you miss a beat you can fall seriously behind, very quickly.

Oh! Another down is that I fell off of my horse AGAIN on Friday (The usual cause: went into a gymnastic skew, and horse refused. I flipped over horse’s head, and did the jump alone). Thanks to having smashed into the jump-poles on the way down, I have a terrifyingly bruised and swollen right calf/ankle, which means that this moi won’t be able to wear any skirts or cropped pants this week, cancelling out about half of my already tiny wardrobe.

I’m choosing to focus on the Ups:

I might be nervous, but having a job means that I get a pay-check, yay!

My boyfriend might be gone, but that means I can focus on myself for a little while, yay! (yay? It’s too soon to feel yay-ish…but I’ll get there. Sniff.)

I have a whole season of Family Guy to watch, while I eat pizza, yay! (That…. isn’t pathetic.)

Working out at gym with a huge bruise on my leg will make me feel super brave, yay! (Pulling at straws, people. Pulling at straws.)

 

 
Honestly, though. It feels as if July is going to be a good month. It really does. (No sarcasm!)

Bring it!

 

My Old Friend Sally.

Two posts in one evening! Someone must be procrastinating.

This was on my mind:

An ex-Old friend (lets call her…. Sally! Ha.) wants to meet soon, to catch up. She wants to walk our dogs together.

Sally and I were the best friends for about ten years, from when I was around eleven. It was childishly silly, actually, the value I placed on our “bond”. Then a traumatising, dramatic fight happened**…. and we weren’t friends any more. It’s been two years since then.

I usually can’t re-enter close friendships with people (forget usually, I’ve never done it before).

On one hand I’m agreeing to the meeting because I don’t want to be rude, but on the other hand I’m doing it because I want to teach myself to let the fuck go of things. Up until now, if I’ve decided that someone is not to be trusted (emotionally or otherwise) I’ve shut them out of my life immediately and completely – to the point of creating some incredibly awkward social situations (aargh…the memories! They burn). I blame my mother.

And you know what? I need to relax.

So WHAT if the fight was terrible.

So WHAT if the friendship will never be the same.

So WHAT if I feel nervous or insecure.

That’s life!

If this is what Sally needs for closure, or if she just wants to do something nice, then I should agree to it for no other reason than being nice myself. Actively avoiding someone takes energy that I don’t think I should be expending.

I don’t think it’s appropriate to call this “taking the high road”, but right now I can’t remember the phrase that describes “just being nice in order to make someone else feel comfortable, and to avoid any unnecessary feelings of guilt on my own part”. Um.

I need to realise that our old friendship doesn’t have to be repaired. That it’s natural for people to drift apart and yet remain on good terms. There might be certain aspects of her personality that make me grit my teeth now, but it doesn’t matter!!
She is her own person, and I’m not connected to her in any way, at least not any more.

I can let myself move on.


** Said fight wasn’t the typical catty girlfight, it was a real below-the-belt blowup, and involved some pretty damn hurtful stuff… thrown by both of us. It really isn’t worth trying to remember who was originally in the wrong.